My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
