Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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