my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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