he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Drunk is not a location!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
