You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
