I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
