Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
