remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
