Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
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I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
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An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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