So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
