I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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