she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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