Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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