Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
