Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
