I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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