Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you would pick up someone in the library
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
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I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
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Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?