Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.