Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
