I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
