well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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