i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
