Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
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I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There's always time for handjobs
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Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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