i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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