I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
