My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
