You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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