I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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