I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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