Me. At least after what I've been through.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
