so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
