she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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