I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
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