His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
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he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
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I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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