Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
