i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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