I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
