okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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