So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
