you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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