Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
