I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
