My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
