Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
