her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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