Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
