Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
