also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
