dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
