dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
ok first of all what the fuck
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
