So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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