That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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