it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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