i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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