Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
