Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
